Multifaceted Me

Tonight at dinner my mom asked us all for one word to describe ourselves.

And when she got around to me I said I didn’t know, to give me a minute, and that I needed a thesaurus.

I did this for a few reasons, one of which being that I had been given a single chance to announce myself to the world, and I needed to get it right.

The second was that I couldn’t get it right if I did not yet know who I am.

So I looked up a few things, eavesdropped on what they thought I was doing as they spoke downstairs, and came up with one, very all inclusive word that could still somehow pertain solely to me.

Multifaceted.

If you don’t know what this means, it basically means that someone is many sided. Meaning that they have multiple personalities, or feelings, or definitive qualities.

It’s a good word for me.

So I headed back down stairs and told them my word. Admittedly, I pronounced it wrong. (An easy thing to do with an advanced vocabulary where you’ve never heard anyone speak said word, so you don’t know how to say it yourself. Only it’s meaning and connotation within a text format are available to you.)

And after we ate, Jeff, my mom, and I spoke on the topic a bit more.

My mom, as always, said she would describe me as insightful. Due to the numerous times between ages 9 and 13 where I offered her advice apparently beyond my years.

It must be said that the fact that I felt I was my mother’s therapist has angered me many a time. But in hindsight, I was the only mature person she felt confident confiding in. And I should have felt more honored than I did back then.

Jeff smiled after thinking for a bit and ended on enlightened, then tacked on “Brilliant, stunningly brilliant, actually.”

I thanked him, as is the polite thing to do, then expressed my concern that they might be patronizing me. I felt very warmed and joyed that they believed me to be intelligent, but adults have been known to lie to make children feel better. And I would know that sometimes that does more harm than good.

Take for example that my dad never did quite stop informing me that I was special and important. Well he did actually. When I was 12.

But that’s for later.

What I’m getting at is that he drilled into me that I was going to be better than the rest. That I was somehow destined to be more. And this seems harmless but I think that maybe if that seed hadn’t been planted so early on, I might not still be crying over the fact that my existence is actually useless.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so betrayed and lied to.

Because out of all the things he did, that’s the one I’m most mad at him for.

My mom told me that she wasn’t lying though. And I allowed my pride to be restored. Because sometimes that’s just what you need; someone to reassure you of who you really are.

They, my mom and Jeff, assured me that I was far from average (a nicer way of saying I’m weird, which I’m ok with.) and still quite the enigma.

Which brings me to two things.

One, during that whole dinner, my autistic suspicions were reestablished. And two,

I am confusing.

I’m proud of it I suppose. I think I’ve come to hate it less than I used to. Aided by songs and several fictional characters, I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t be just one Brooklyn Irvin. I’m a multitude of all my aspects, some just more dominant than others.

There’s a specific song that embraces this: Semi- Automatic by Twenty One Pilots.

For starters the title of the song hits close to home because I dissociate, in a sense, quite a lot and because of this I feel like I’m half running on auto- pilot.

Like part of me isn’t me.

(My crush actually liked this song, I recently found out. And in a cause and effect sort of way, was the reason I now have found the same love for it as well.)

The song has a lyric as goes:

“I’m never what I like
I’m double-sided
And I just can’t hide
I kinda like it
When I make you cry
‘Cause I’m twisted up, I’m twisted up, inside”

And it fits so well for me because I discovered it at a time where I felt I was “in- between” the parts of who I am.

Who am I? I often wonder. Who am I today?

Am I arrogant Brooklyn? Smart Brooklyn, funny Brooklyn, goofy Brooklyn, bored Brooklyn, sarcastic Brooklyn, kind Brooklyn, quiet Brooklyn, cool Brooklyn?

There’s so many “mes” I could be, it’s sometimes hard to figure out which one I am in the moment.

Which brings me to my final point, the reason why I started writing this for you. The thing that I realized that anyone around me needed to know.

I’m multifaceted.

I have thousands of sides, much like a diamond, and most of them are rough cut.

Their lines cut into each other from time to time.

There’s Diva Brooklyn from when I was little and I had a Dora suitcase and wanted a phone. (And a boyfriend)

There’s Shy Brooklyn from Kindergarten to third grade when I cried during fire drills, hated jeans, and sat with my mom- appointed- friends on the bus.

Then there’s Chill Brooklyn from fourth and fifth grade. Where I sat with Huey at lunch, befriended Alex Evans, and did things because they were nice. Because I was trying really hard to be a good person. Because I was the person that pleased people while forming my own opinions secretly and moved on. I was the person that my dad could tolerate.

Then I was introduced to middle school and out came Snarky Brooklyn, Sarcastic Brooklyn, Mature Brooklyn, and Intelligent Brooklyn, all at once.

I started swearing and forming opinions out loud. I wore who I was on my clothes, hid when I needed to, and opened up for the first time ever, to people of my own choosing. People who I accepted to be like me.

And of course Cynical Brooklyn knows this is wrong. That no one is like me exactly, but that’s a good thing. I’m different, and most of the time, I’m proud of it.

This finally brings me to my key point.

Arrogant- Intelligent- vivacious- show off Brooklyn, is a mix of things I have created to protect myself.

The sarcasm prevents me from having to be upfront about my emotions and sensitive topics.

The arrogance helps me keep confident in myself when I feel Insecure- Shy Brooklyn coming on.

The vivacity comes from wanting desperately for the world to hear all the thoughts I kept to myself for five years. The five years I came to love my mind as the only thing no one could ever take from me.

The mix of things I am at my core, never change. But what I front with, depends on the person.

If I trust you, I mean really, really trust you, (And sometimes this takes years, sometimes I just know that I want to trust you) I’ll show mainly one side.

That’s the Goofy Brooklyn.

The Brooklyn that is running so far back on auto pilot that it doesn’t care what stupid things it says, or how clumsy, or slapstick that version of me is.

I’m getting closer to this stage for some people, and I’m drifting farther and farther from it for some.

More of the latter than the former.

But if you’re one of the people that is the latter, then you need to know that I’m only “different” than I used to be because I can switch who I need to be in a heartbeat.

If you for one second, undertone the parts of me that I hid special just for you, if you pick fun of the silly version of myself, the one that I let out for you, the one I trusted you to see, I’ll turn into a complete dick.

I will try far too hard to prove to you that I’m not who you think I am.

I will say harsh, sharp, true things that I’ll regret later.

I will recoil so hard away from you, that even though you might think I’m still your friend, you’ll be able to feel the intolerance rolling from my body like heatwaves on a July evening.

You’ll know if I’m referring to you.

So what I realized today is that I’m a multifaceted person.

And when you think about it, we’re all living several different lives through our years.

Changing who we are is a vital part of finding who we are.

Maybe you never land on a single person you want to be, and that’s ok. People don’t have to be stagnant, that’s why we have to grow and shed our skins. That’s why I’m writing this.

To assure myself that being the person I am, is ok. Just so long as I remember all the other people I’ve been,

and protect them with all my heart.